I am not going to bore you all with the mind numbing details of my arrival. I’m more excited about this flight’s SkyMall catalog. Highlights:

Tennis shoes that have special technology designed to help you painlessly “walk and run faster, jump higher”! There’s a problem with their marketing department, though. Their emblem looks very distinctly like a sperm.

You can also have a full head of hair in 30 seconds by shaking fibers where it’s thinning and they become electrostatically charged to magnetically bond to your hair. Hmm…

An underwater pogo stick. The only one.

Super sexy video recording sunglasses. Mmmm.

Aerator sandals that you strap to your shoes and walk on the lawn. With your 26.5 inch steel spikes on the bottom, you’ll never have to pay landscapers or lawn folk again!

Is there a difference between a slanket and a snuggie?

And, my favorite–drumroll please–the Telekinetic Obstacle Course! I don’t think I even need to explain that. Its absurdity stands for itself.

In other news, I’m safe in The Big Apple with my family, whom I love dearly and with whom I am excited to spend time. Huzzah!